quietpinetrees:

“This video is brought to you by Square Space, the pocket dimension where all objects are reduced to two-dimensional shapes of four equal sides with right angles. Visit our website to find out if Square Space would make a good prison for your enemies and those who dare oppose you.

This video is brought to you by Tunnel Bear. Its burrows span the world. The Tunnel Bear is below you now, counting your footsteps, remembering what makes you cry. It pays more attention to your emotions than you do. Visit our website to learn whether its motives are benevolent.

This video is brought to you by the last Russian czarina, hidden in her techno-bunker of silicon and tungsten, surrounded by her candy-colored server towers and issuing edicts to faithful monarchist admins online. She will never see the open sun until it shines upon her empire.

This video is brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. Our business is based on paid membership and the distribution of blades among our members, but we are not a “knife cult.” Please stop asking for official chants. We will distribute them if they become necessary for our business.”

-QuietPineTrees

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